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<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=100 BGCOLOR="#CCCCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="04300640egdysm.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000066" FACE="Arial" ><I><B>Dayton Ultralight Club</B></I></FONT><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>    |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Dayton Ultralight Club"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div>                                                   </div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#0000BF" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> <bR> <div> <I><B>Periodically, we'll have  a new joke, so stop back!</B></I></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=380 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="50810330.jpg" border=0 width="272" height="51" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>We're going to have to come in pretty low to the ground!  It's just one of those things you have todo...when you land! - Ted Stryker (Airplane!)</B></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> ________________________________</div> <bR> <bR> <div> FLYING TRUISMS </div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Though I fly through the valley of death...I shall fear no evil. For I am at 80,000 feet & climbing.  (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore-test pilot)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - therefore, unsafe.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane, you always have enough power to get you to the scene of the crash.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">If a pilot screws up the pilot dies.   If ATC screws up... the pilot dies.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Never trade luck for skill.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                "Why is it doing that?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                "Where are we?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>                "Oh shit!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Airspeed, altitude & brains; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - aerobatic & test pilot)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, 1970)</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700dc99000000.png" HEIGHT="15" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of theair can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.</B></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> ________________________________</div> <bR> <div> Not a joke, but funny non-the-less</div> <div> (Weightless Pooch)</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://www.dcivideo.com/html/loop.wmv" TARGET="_blank" TITLE="http://www.dcivideo.com/html/loop.wmv"><U><B><U>http://www.dcivideo.com/html/loop.wmv</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> ________________________________</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Clouds to avoid while flying!</div> <div> <IMG SRC="531cc510.jpg" border=0 width="460" height="337" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> Who says you can't turn a warbird into a Sport Plane and have some fun?</div> <div> <IMG SRC="527c0440.jpg" border=0 width="448" height="324" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> ________________________________</div> <bR> <div> Since Dennis is involved with the German Soaring clubs now, he's had to learn German in order to get along with the locals.  Here's some of the aviation terms in German that he must learn. Good for us U.S. pilots to know too ;  )</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><U>German Aviation Terms </U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>AIRCRAFT</B>---Der Fliegenwagen </div> <div> <B>JET TRANSPORT</B>---Der Muchen Overgrossen Biggenmother Das Ist Fliegen Highenfaster Mit All Der Mach Und Flightenlevels. (Built by Boeing) </div> <div> <B>PROPELLER</B>---Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster </div> <div> <B>ENGINE</B>---Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airfloggenfan Pushenthruster</div> <div> <B>JET ENGINE</B>---Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker Mit Compressorsqueezen Und Turbinespinnen Bladenrotors. (Made by Pratt & Whitney) </div> <div> <B>CONTROL COLUMN</B>---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick </div> <div> <B>RUDDER PEDALS</B>---Der Tailschwingen Yawmaken Werks </div> <div> <B>PILOT</B>---Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwingen Werker </div> <div> <B>PASSENGER</B>---Der Dumbkopf Das Est Strappened En Der Baacken Mit Der Other Dumbkopfs Das Est Expecten To Leave Undgo On Scheduledtimen Und Arriven mit Der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen </div> <div> <B>STUDENT PILOT</B>---Der Dumbkopf Das Learnen Fliegen Un Hopen To Jobenfinden Mit Der Airlinens </div> <div> <B>FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR</B>---Der Timenbuilder Mit Less Den 1000 Hrs Multie!</div> <div>  nginefliegen. Teachen Dumbkopfs To Fliegen Vile Waitenwatchen Fer Der Letter Mit Der Joboffering Frum United </div> <div> <B>AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT</B>---Das Grosse Overpaiden Und Under Werken Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck Dat Fliegen Mit Das Big Airlinen </div> <div> <B>PARACHUTE</B>---Der Stringencotten Das Est Usen To Floaten Der Tailschwingen Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker Down To Earthen Ven Der Fliegenwagen Est Kaputen </div> <div> <B>FAA</B>---Der Friggenfliegen Dumbkopf Schmucks Das Maken Alder Rulens Und Regulations <B>Helicopter</B> --- Der Flingen Wingen Maschinen mit der Floppen Bladens dot ist Fliegen by der Dumbkopfs vas iss too Stupiden for Knowen dees Maschinens ees not Safen ver Fliegen. <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Courier New" >    </FONT></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>_____________________________________</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Y'all jest might be a redneck pilot if...</B></div> <bR> <div>    Your stall warning plays "Dixie"</div> <bR> <div>    Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints</div> <bR> <div>    You think sectional charts should show trailer parks</div> <bR> <div>    You've ever used moonshine as Avgas</div> <bR> <div>    Your toothpick keeps poking the mike</div> <bR> <div>    You've ever taxied around the airport drinking beer</div> <bR> <div>    You use a Purina feed sack as a windsock</div> <bR> <div>    The side of your airplane has a sign advertising your septic tankservice</div> <bR> <div>    You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut</div> <bR> <div>    Your refer to flying formation as "We got us a convoy"</div> <bR> <div>    Your matched set of luggage is three grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly</div> <bR> <div>    You've ever fueled your plane from a mason jar</div> <bR> <div>    You've got a gun rack on the passenger window</div> <bR> <div>    You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling togather</div> <bR> <div>    Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear</div> <bR> <div>    You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into theCG calculations</div> <bR> <div>    You siphon gas from your tractor to put into your airplane</div> <bR> <div>    You've never landed at an actual airport although you've been flying for years</div> <bR> <div>    You've ground-looped after hitting a cow</div> <bR> <div>    You consider anything over 100ft AGL to be high altitude flight</div> <bR> <div>    There are parts on your airplane labeled John Deere</div> <bR> <div>    There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left side</div> <bR> <div>    You have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep</div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>